Monday, May 21, 2012

Heat Stroke.

His leg was touching hers and he wasn't moving it, and she didn't plan on moving hers either. It felt nice, lying there next to each other making conversation as the hot sun beat down on them and the cold, sharp water licking at their toes while they maintained this extra piece of contact. She didn't know what it meant, them touching, but she liked the idea of some possibility or meaning behind it, it was almost a perfect day. Except for the giant ball of anxiety inside her that continued to twist and fester into every piece of her being, threatening to consumer her completely. Even as their legs brushed together, she could only feel the glow of the moment for so long before she was pulled back under the suffocating all consuming veil of anxiety that made her numb inside. She felt like everything real had been sucked out of her and that she couldn't experience any real emotions anymore, try as she might all she could do was experience them superficially and they would never sink deeper. All she thought about was being able to love him properly again, she constantly thought back to when he had loved her, but this scared her more because as the anxiety and fear ate at her insides it was also slowing draining all the light and beauty from her body, leaving less and less of herself for him to love back. At the same time and she was wishing for his love, she couldn't shake the feeling that what she really wanted was to be dead, but what could she do? She was just another angsty teenager with a crush on a boy and a touch of depression.

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