A lost hope.

Tears started to leak from her eyes as she looked at him, she fought them back but them came anyway; "I waited for you for so long, I waited under the lilac tree everyday until sunset then cried myself to sleep every night you didn't come." The tears were flowing like a river now, "Finally." She continued, "I gave up. It was a week later I heard you were engaged to Sarah. -So I married Tom, he was crazy about me and everyone loved him, everyone except me." He just sat there, letting her pour out years of emotion. "I told myself I had stopped waiting for you but I never did. I never realized it, but Tom did. He saw me slowly return to the lilac tree, he knew I never loved him and that I never would. So one day he just stopped trying to make me love him, I woke up and he was gone." She was screaming again, "I wasted my whole life waiting for a man who didn't love me and ended up pushing away the only one who ever did." He sat there in silence when she was finished, she was now standing in front of him, empty sherry glass clutched in hand. After a moment he stood up and pulled her against him, "Please forgive me, I was a coward I was scared to meet you and my parents wanted me to marry Sarah and..." He trailed off as she pulled away from him, "I'm dying." She said with no hint of emotion in her words or on her face.

The confession.

It was late. They were both sitting in her living room, chatting about the weather. The sherry was making them both more friendly. She crinkled her nose as she giggled at something he said. Some of the sparkle in his eyes had returned. As she giggled he stopped talking and stared at her intensely. "What?" she said mischievously. "I used to love it when you did that." He said staring at her so intently she had to look away. "Why did you come here?" She asked suddenly, still avoiding his gaze. "Because...when I heard...I needed to know...to see you...I could't help it..." He stammered, "I thought we could be together now..I lo-", "SHUT UP!!" she screamed, standing up quickly. "You don't love me you don't!"
"Yes I do, We can be together now, I thought it had all worked out." He said quietly grabbing her hands. "I love you I always have." he burst out finally.

The Park.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" She said finally. The night was still young, it was barely past 7:00, plenty of time to get some fresh air before the neighbourhood got dangerous. "Sure" he said and grabbed his coat. After a few minutes of awkward fumbling she allowed him to help her with her coat and they left. At first they walked in silence through the sad park built in memory of some forgotten civil servant, but in the cold november air they were moved to speech. If only to break the oppressive winter silence. "Do you still dance?" he asked. "No." She said, "I did for a long time until i realized i was only doing it to escape myself." He knew what she meant, so he couldn't respond. They were back in a heavy silence soaked in what he wanted to say. She broke the silence only when it got close to the point she was trying to avoid, the point she had been hiding from for the past 20 years. "Should we head back?" She asked. "Yea, I'm frozen" he said too eagerly. When they got back she showed him to his room. Once he had come back into the living room and they once again faced each other in silence, she knew they could no longer avoid it. "Would you like some sherry?" She asked before he could get a word out. "Y-yes... okay" He said, not knowing now how to broach the subject.

Lilac scented memories.

"Hullo." He said, grounding his toe into the step at the door, his hair was thinning but it was still as dark and messy as it had been twenty years prior. "come in" she said curtly, he looked up and they grinned at each other, "Welcome" she said more warmly. Just like that he was back in her life. Instantly the pain of twenty years of regrets ebbed away and she was left with the warmth of his presence.
They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, listening to the steady drip of the faucet. He slowly turned the mug of tea he had given him around in his hands. The light flickered. "Tom left me." She said finally."I know..." He said after a pause, "That's why I'm here." The sound of his steady deep voice brought memories flooding back, memories she had suppressed for years. Memories of a kiss, a day, a night, a lilac bush. Somehow even while listening to his voice, it took her a moment for his words to sink in. His wide green eyes searched her face for a reaction as he watched his words come over her.

Something of time.

The knock on the door echoed in her ears and pulled at each one of her frayed heart strings. After 20 years the dull ache in her stomach still intensified. He was here. She couldn't run, she couldn't hide, all she could do was continue playing the part that was set out for her. The part he wanted to see her play. She wouldn't let him see the damage he had caused. She answered the door after she placed her broken heart and regrets and unspoken words in a far away place, where they could be forgotten. He re-entered her world not knowing the destruction he had caused the first time he left.

The man.

The car was filling up with gas His pipe line had worked, finally he had managed to do something right, he thought. Then lamented aloud; "and it's the last damn thing I'm ever going to do!" Which finally resolved him to take his life. He thought back on his life as it began to slip away from him. The years of medication, the years in rehab to get off the medication. The woman who he had loved with all his soul who had left him to go back to her husband. The attempts at writing a novel the publishers would buy. Carlos the closeted gay man who lied and told him he was an agent. His mother the only person in the world who loved him, murdered. Life hurts, death doesn't, he thought foggily as his life finally left him.

An amble through rambles.

Filling up on gas. It seems like something so small and pedestrian couldn't be missed, but it was things like that, that he missed the most. Sometimes he would get a wiff of petrol from his cell window as a car wizzed by, he would begin to think about her and that week so long ago they drove up north together. That was the thing prison really took away he thought. Not just your freedom, but the little things too.

xoxo